Time and the Fuck-Its

I have had a miserable last couple months. My doctor at the clinic gave me an antibiotic called Levaquin and what happened after that was a massive external yeast infection with lesions on my skin from my abdomen down my thighs and under my breasts. Skin just peeled away. Plus I was and still am recovering from several falls.I had to stop playing Final Fantasy XI b/c of pressure sores on my ass, which is just lovely. I was afraid of getting them sitting in this hard desk chair so put pillows on the seat, turns out that was a bad thing to do. Our medical card didn't come the first of March and thats a bunch of bullshit I will need to put up with Monday morning. I had my stomach doc appt that day and its an important appointment. So I have to be up by 7:30 AM to get awake enough to be coherent about what to do. This is something I have never had to deal with before. It feels like I have been in a time warp. Its already March and I haven't met any of my goals basically because I have had a bad case of the fuck-its. Uncle Charlie died in January and there was no way I was gonna make it up there.I am so glad I called him on Xmas Eve. I found out he died on Facebook. David was supposed to call me but he got stoned and forgot about it. I hope next month goes well and I can finally get my piercings. My thoughts are all over the place now so I am gonna call it a night and post sometime soon.

No Regrets? Really? Seriously?

            "No regrets," is a common phrase consisting of just two little words. I used to think that way when I was much younger, what seems like a lifetime ago, and much more arrogant and ignorant. Now I see it as a fool gloating over the thought of victory, but being in the totally wrong battle of wits s/he is unarmed for and prepared for neither one. "No regrets" irks me now and I expect it from younger people who think they are mature, but are just, in fact, arrogant and ignorant. "No regrets" really means you are selfish, self-centered, narcissistic, manipulative, self-indulgent, quietly self-loathing pretending to be a truly interesting person. I should know, because I was like that once upon a time. At one time these were survival skills and defense mechanisms because I just lived a fucked up existence as an addict and prostitute. I did what I had to do and it was all mememememememe.
         My mom was turned into a single mom when my dad died when I was eleven and my little brother was nine. They told him he was "the MAN of the house now" and "you have to take care of your mom and sister." He was nine years old for Christ's sake. No child that age should be told to do that. Both me and him spiraled into drugs and alcohol. I chose drugs and later added alcohol, he chose alcohol. He was big, angry and violent. We couldn't live together. I chose to be homeless rather than stay at my  mom's because one of us would have ended up dead and I didn't intend to go to prison or die. I moved out when I was 17 and into an abusive, tortuous, relationship that took forever to get out of for me, mainly because I finally wised up and tossed his shit out in the yard when it was raining and broke up with him he stalked me. But this is a story for another time.
          Tonight, I called an Uncle who I have seldom talked one on one with. He was the main male influence in mine and my brothers lives after our dad died. He did his best to keep me out of trouble when I was in that stupid stage of my life. He is now 86 and with his severe heart problems I will probably not see him again before he dies. So much regret. I apologized and thanked him like I should have done.
         No regrets? You are either a fool, a liar, or a sociopath. No regrets? Bullshit.

Have you ever had this happen to you.......?

          Have you ever had a friend who is socially awkward and has no common sense and blurt out the most inappropriate things at the worst possible times? I have one of those. I love him to bits but there have been times when I wish I could stab him face and then wear it as a mask. Yes, he has driven me to the point where I wish I could do that. He's really sweet but he once introduced me to a group of his friends at a college graduation reception as "This is Kelliko and she used to be a prostitute." Never mind it was sorta true, he didn't need to share that with strangers who if I was still able to work, could be my boss one day. Once, we were at a friends house partying, and the hostess of said party just happened to be black. We send him on the beer run because he was getting there and we were too drunk to drive. He asks out of the blue "Want me to pick up some chicken wings?" We just stared at him for a moment until she said "Why don't you bring some watermelon back too?" He thought she was serious.
        He got with an abusive with a boyfriend and I couldn't take watching him be abused and not knowing if this person was going to kill or not. One year he was my ride to college and he didn't show up or return my calls. I kept calling and kept calling and finally my nerves couldn't take it anymore and I removed him from my life. I had to. Then a few years ago I get a Giftmas card at my in-laws from him. I knew the handwriting and I just randomly picked up several times to look at it for two or three days. Finally, my daughter who was about 15 said "Mom, just see what it says and then decide if you want to be friends again. You can always kick him out again if you have to." He apologized profusely in his card and asked if could forgive him. I thought about it and what my daughter had said and did forgive him. His new boyfriend I adore.
       I am glad he is back in my life now and he has had a rough year. 2011 has been a tough year for everyone I know. We are celebrating Christmas (and Yule for me) tomorrow with only a dinner and no gifts. The same will be done if we go to my in-laws on Christmas too, no gifts just a meal. Only thing I wish for in 2012 is my piercings and getting a new tattoo maybe but before all else, get out of this ring of debt we keep plunging into.
       Blessed Be and Happy Holidays!

Sex and Cigarettes

      I am a cigarette smoker (I have smoked more than my fair share of weed in my life but can't now because I get drug tested for my pain meds). I have smoked over half my life and I need to quit badly simply because we can't afford it. But the main times I want a smoke bad is after meals and sex.Tonight, me and hubby decided we were gonna have sex, and so loaded me with pain meds, Valium and my muscle relaxer. It's truly amazing my tolerance for these kinds of medications. We were shortly interrupted by my best friend who ran over here real quick to give me a cigarette, which I told him was just in time, and then it dawned on him why, and we both laughed and I thanked him, shut the door and ran back to hubby to finish our lil somethin somethin. I feel bad for my hubby because now with my spinal condition everything physical requires pain meds, Valium and muscle relaxants. I am with a relatively new pain doctor and we are still regulating meds. But, as for me and hubby, well, we both manage to still satisfy each other, even after 20 years. I love him more now than when I married him and I will love him more tomorrow.
     Since my spine has gotten worse, hubby has had to take over cooking, washing dishes, housework, help with laundry and all that kind of stuff. He escorts me from the bathroom because that is where I fall the most and we don't know why. It scares him when I fall. Some people laugh because its a nervous response other yell. Hubby is a yeller and it nearly gives him an anxiety attack every time I fall. I have told him that this is part of my life now and we have to accept that and adapt to it, but he disagrees. He is a stubborn man, but I still love him.

It Really Is Spelled Duck Tape

Well, I have a blog and have no clue what to do with it. Which is a lot like my YouTube account actually.I guess I should kinda sorta introduce myself. I am an average 41 year old woman who has been fat my whole life.I had a heart attack when I was 38 and I have a brother who just had to have one when he was 37. His was a massive heart attack and I didn't find out about it until months later because we love each other, we just aren't as close as we want.I have a lot of health problems, and take lots of medications a day. My spine is a train wreck. I have several herniated discs, bone spurs, osteoporosis, Degenerative Disc/Joint Disease scoliosis arthritis, and spinal stenosis. I have a congenital defect in which my spinal canal is much more narrow than it should be, which complicates the spinal stenosis.I need at least three surgeries to do something that will lessen my pain but until then I am on oxycodone and Percocet for breakthrough pain. It works okay for now.
       I am married and have been with my hubby for 20 years. We have a daughter who is in college studying computer science. She wants to be a game designer and developer. She wants to send me money from her second  paycheck to get my braids (extensions) back in my hair. I didn't know she liked it that much. But she also likes my tattoos and piercings. I only have 2 tats and they are cover-ups I have 8 earrings, one nostril pierced, and a labret (lip) and one eyebrow ring left. I hope in the new year to get 3 new eyebrow rings for my left eyebrow and my other nostril and eventually re-pierce my 2 on my right eyebrow. At least I hope to.             
      Its five days from Christmas, and in this economy, none of our family or friends can afford gifts. I did send money to my daughter in college because she will be alone this year and its the first year of her being away from home. I have to admit I am proud of her. She took off on her own over halfway across the country and had never been out of WV. We will not be going anywhere because we have no car and no friends who can take us and pick us up, but we will be sharing dinner with friends. That works for me.